Aren’t emotions funny? They’re always there, just stirring around inside you. Sometimes you know which ones are there, sometimes they surprise you. Sometimes you’ve got a handle on them, and then other times they just burst out into the open and confuse the crap out of everyone.
I’ve been stuck, in this whirlpool of emotions and it’s so easy to get sucked in. I’ve noticed that the same emotions/feelings keep rearing their heads in some kind of cycle. At first I was disheartened. I mean, I thought I had a handle on things. But maybe not? I guess that’s life.. A constant roller coaster of emotions. We pick ourselves up, we bring ourselves down.. why is it so hard to find the balance, the happy medium?
There’s one particular emotion that I think is the basis of all the other ones that I have floating around. Longing. I have this longing, this desire. I don’t know what for. If I did, then I wouldn’t have it anymore. I thought myself to be unique in having this feeling, but when I think about it, I think the majority of people have this longing, this desire for something more. Be it, more cars, more money, more happiness, more love, more, more, more, more. Always more. Is it part of human nature? Or is something society has projected onto us?
I’m going to start keeping a journal, and see if I can find any external factors that contribute to my recurring emotions. I’ve always liked the idea of keeping a journal. Yes, I’ve got ElizaThinksAllowed, but there’s something different about hand writing in a beautiful journal that only you know about. We all know that writing is a great way for expressing emotions, and some people use words in such beautiful ways in doing so. You don’t have to have a writing journal, it can be a drawing one. Some people just draw a simple picture every night before they go to bed and that is good enough for them. I’ve got a gorgeous leather journal I bought about a year ago and I’m yet to use it. I carry it with me everywhere, but still nothing inside it.
It sounds like I’m all gloomy and sad, but I’m not, I’m just trying to make sense of the things I feel and why I feel them. I’ve used it in good ways this time, rather than wallowing in my confusion and making myself sad. I’ve started writing some blog posts I’ve been wanting to write for a very long time, which is exciting and hopefully sparks some discussion. I’ve picked up reading again. I’ve read 3 books in 3 days and can’t get a new one quick enough. (PLEASE recommend me some books to read, I read anything and everything.) I’ve asked my friend who is a qualified personal trainer (I think that’s his qual.. something along those lines anyway) to write me a workout plan because without a routine, I’m useless. I’ve now got said workout plan and lets just say we probably won’t be friends after Day 2. I’ve been cooking and experimenting with my cooking. I’m pretty good at it, making some delicious meals that have quickly become some of our favourites. I don’t know if I’ve told you all yet but I finally made a decision in what I would like to spend my time studying. Psychology. I have been reading my textbooks and already making notes. It’s so interesting I can’t stop. I start UNI in July and I am so looking forward to it.
I started doing all of these things to break myself from this cycle I seem to be stuck in. Hopefully, on the way, getting down to the roots of these emotions so I can make some changes so they don’t keep effecting me so negatively. I guess I’ve already let them start effecting me positively, evident in the changes I’ve already made. My aim is not to distract myself from the feelings, which is something I think we all do. For some reason, to be in tune with your emotions and letting yourself feel your emotions is something that people of today find as weak? I don’t know, I feel like we distract ourselves and run from them, which in turn makes things worse because they build up inside. Did you know that people who are not fond of expressing their emotions and bottle them up have been proven to be more prone to cancer and heart disease?
I feel like I’ve kinda taken it back to the basics and started to enjoy the small things again like tea, and not being able to put a book down, cooking delicious meals. Enjoying the feel of the warm sun on my skin, the sound of the birds, the vibrant green in contrast to the red dirt, the smell of jasmine outside my bedroom window. How great it feels to stretch and jump out of bed, approaching the day with a positive outlook, not just as if it’s another day. The way the hoop runs rings around my body, the spark I feel when R holds my hand, the joy I get just by picking oranges from a tree I’ve been nurturing in the backyard. The excitement I feel when I make eye contact with a stranger, the beautiful effect Smiling has on my entire being. Exploring places I’ve never been before or rediscovering places I haven’t been to in a while, the awe and wonder I feel when looking up at the stars. Just taking notice of the small things, taking in my environment, being aware of my reactions to the little things, has already made me feel much better, maybe it can help you too?
Don’t say you don’t have time, it’s got nothing to do with time, it’s all thought processes and you’re thinking all the time. So give it a go, trust me, you’ll see the world in a whole new light.